Real life, mother, employee, student, addict in recovery

So, its Tuesday and I have a blog. Not sure anyone will ever see it, but its here. If for nothing else, I now have an outlet. Rather than watching Moms create wonderlands in their children's bedrooms, make their clothes and create character pancakes, while the child looks at her lovingly, I will write about what its really like. Moms having shopping lunch dates with their teen girls, who also help Mom on her new philanthropy activities to feed the homeless, all while running her own Women based business. Just stop it! If you grew up with two parents, had someone help put you through college, buy you your first car, encourage and support you throughout your life, and because of that have always lived a balanced and fruitful life; I commend you. I am so happy that you have had encouragement and obviously appreciated it too. That isn't the case for everyone. My Mom loved me very much, but it was just her and I. She left at 5AM and went to work and I got myself up at 6AM to get ready for 1st grade. I would eat marshmallow fluff and walk to school, walk home after and wait for my Mom to get home. She was real, she told me all about the dangers of the world and summer break was a time of terror for me. I would hide under beds or in closets all day, knowing a kidnapper would be breaking in to rape and kill me at any moment. Dramatic a bit yes, but that is how my mom kept me safe and had enough peace of mind to be able to support me with no help. I started working at 15 and had a house with friends by 17. I started drinking a lot in high school because my anxiety was so bad without it, I couldn't even function. LCD was big, and that landed me in a psych ward, while still tripping balls. A story ill tell you if we get that far. I don't condone any of it. I was miserable most of my life. I am just now at a place where I appreciate life for life, I am able to pay my bills on time and be grateful to be doing so. I work at a non-profit, that helps people with mental health, housing, substance abuse and so much more. Living a normal life is not normal for me, there are days when my teenagers make me want to lay down and cry, or run away from home. There are days when the toddler and the teens are both acting crazy, I'm acting crazy, my college work is behind, the house chores are behind, my work at work is behind, and I just think I cant keep going. The thing is, I do. I do because I know this is what real life looks like and feels like. Anyone that says different is lying, and I want to let everyone else who might feel like running away know that its ok. If no one ever sees this, I want to use it as a way to vent, a way to write out my story; and what a story it is. I hope this lasts a long time and if nothing else, helps me to process and get through whatever it is. No matter how hard it gets, we are together our first Christmas together since 2007. That's all that matters when life comes to an end.